The Guarantees Of Life

photo by dearoot

One of the benefits of being a mature woman in Christ is that I get to use hindsight to my advantage. Having been there and done that should account for something, after all. It was often difficult to see it at the time, but experience really is the best teacher.

Having a blended family with a lot of transitioning between homes and where the other home was not founded on biblical truths created a confusing dichotomy for my two stepsons. It’s really hard to maintain a godly focus 24/7 when part of that time you’re allowed to cave to whatever fleshly whim you desire.

For one son, the pull of the world became too great. At age eighteen he elected to pull up roots, forsake his family and the God of our home and live life according to his desires. He found himself drifting from one friend’s home to the next, indulging in activities both unhealthy and illegal and eventually finding accommodations courtesy of the local sheriff’s department.

While there was a respite from the rebellion in our home, I can’t begin to describe to you what it’s like to pray in agony for a child gone astray. As we received news of his whereabouts and activities we could only intensify our prayers that the biblical teaching of his youth would not come back void.

I even found myself asking God to do whatever it took to bring this son to a point of seeking forgiveness and returning to a biblical foundation in his life. All the while we kept telling him he had a place back home if he ever wanted to give up the riotous living.

That was back in 2003, during the summer, when he left our home, our family and our family’s walk in faith.

This past Christmas, he came home. The story of the prodigal son played out right before our eyes. I could tell he was nervous, uneasy about fitting in, celebrating as a family. We tried our best to not be too over the top, and in a few days he made the decision to stay.

What’s interesting about the prodigal son story is that it doesn’t elaborate past the initial celebration. Our life is going through a lot of transition right now. Our son has been clean for a little while, found gainful employment, is attending church with us and even attended his first Bible study group last night. But there are still hints that his old life beckons, and so a new agony has set in.

So, what, life has no guarantees, right? Not if I insist on things going my way. When I put things in my own hands life becomes no more than a huge crapshoot. There’s no way I can do it on my own.

My husband and I had put the life of our son in the hands of the One who could make things happen. We had been faithful in teaching all our children from God’s Word and we knew that His Word would not return void. He said that if we trained our children in the way they should go that when they got older they would not turn from it.

It was on those promises that I staked my claim for my son. I knew he would come back to us. I didn’t know when. I’d hoped it was before I died so I could see Christ in him for myself and enjoy the celebration.

That’s all God asks of us. Jesus said, “If you love me, obey my commands.” We were told to teach God’s truths to our children when we sat at home, when we went out, when we went to bed and when we got up, and we did. Our child’s salvation is not up to us. We can only obey. We have to leave the results up to the Lord.

So, no, life doesn’t come with any guarantees. I wish I could promote The Greatest Mission Trip ministry as the answer to all your problems and that by following my suggestions and ideas to the letter you will enjoy successful parenting and happy, saved children.

I can only give you the tools to make God’s Word come alive and the encouragement to keep at it no matter what. I pray you never have to go through a prodigal experience, but if you’re faithful in following God’s will for your family, He will bless you. That is a guarantee.

Please keep our son in your prayers. His name is Michael.

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Time - A Necessary Ingredient

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Time, in the form of patience, is a virtue for all parents and their children. However, between a step-parent and a stepchild, it is a very precious commodity. It needs to be understood that, when other dynamics come into play with your relationship (feuding households, differing values and constant transitioning between homes), patience may be all you have to win that stepchild over to a godly way of life.

I struggled with that concept. I’m generally a pretty patient person, but I saw myself in a no-win situation. My two stepsons would leave for their mom’s home on the weekend where there were no rules, no homework, and a constant barrage of Chuckie Cheese and new video games.

During the week, I made them do their homework, took them to the doctor for their immunization shots, made sure they ate healthy foods and limited their time in front of a video game. I could see where the “evil stepmother” stereotype came from. I was in the position of making them follow the rules and do the unpopular things. Why couldn’t I be the one who took them to the circus and handed out game tokens?

You know, I sometimes don’t give my husband, Bill, enough credit for understanding. One day when I was having a tough time handling the frustration of it all, I kind of let loose on him. You can use your imagination.

When I’d had my say he was quiet for a moment. Then he took my hand and said very gently, “You know, you’re the only thing they have grounding them at the moment. Don’t stop what you’re doing. They’ll see in time what it is you do and that your focus on being a godly mom is the difference.”

It was enough to stop my whining and give me a new perspective on my role and relationship with my sons. It wasn’t without its relapses over the years, but I kept at what I was doing, which basically was modeling what a godly mom should be.

Hindsight being 20/20, it is so much easier to look back and see what my sons needed to see in me that allowed us to have a strong, positive relationship, one based upon biblical precept and that allowed us an open channel for discussing the gospel. There needed to be time to:

• Build trust in our relationship; that there would be consistency, predictability and genuine love and caring;
• Observe God in my and their dad’s marriage; that our relationship was based on godly truths and not human construct;
• Know that I read my Bible and prayed, because they would catch me at it; that what I taught them to do was important to me also;
• Examine how I resolved conflict; that it didn’t involve storming out, protracted name-calling or physical destruction of property;
• Watch how I chose to interact with them; that I never gave up, even when they were at their worst behavior;
• Consider how I approached life in general; that with trials and challenges, I sought God; that with victories, I praised God; and that in all things, I followed God.

Was it enough to win them over, to mold them into the men of God my husband and I desired them to be? You’ll have to tune in Thursday for that tidbit.

Let others know about this series. Please email a link, post about it on your blog site, or let your friends know through Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc. There are a lot of blended families out there who need this information and encouragement.

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Many times the relationship between a parent and his or her stepchildren can be real tenuous in the beginning. It takes time to build trust between you, transition into your respective roles and develop a level of communication that allows guidance, sharing and friendship.

If an ex-spouse is involved who is lukewarm in his or her spiritual life or, as in our case, lives a life opposite to the godly values we tried to teach, then an added complication exists. You have a much stronger potential for the child to be drawn into worldly perception and behavior. It’s hard to walk away from the ‘freedom’ they see endorsed by a parent they love.

Can a blended Christian family come together as one unit with a unified focus on Christ in the midst of these challenges?

I met Kelly Marsh through Facebook, and when she found out I was doing a series on Christian blended families she shared her story with me. I was so inspired by how she and her husband have created a biblical foundation in their home and how that purposeful parenting has translated into a cohesive family for them that I asked to share it with TGMT readers. She graciously agreed.

She starts with some background:

Our blended family is unique all in it's own, like all I imagine! My husband and I have been together for over 5 years and have been married for over 3. We have an almost 15 year old son (from my husband's previous marriage), and 2 girls, 11 and 6, from my previous marriage. We both have shared parenting of them and have them on the same schedule.

Conveniently both of our ex-spouses live within minutes of us, and so it works out very well. BUT like all people in this situation there are DAILY stresses with ex spouses, and children going back and forth, schedules, differences in rules and lifestyles, so on and so forth.

Our greatest struggle is not what we have to deal with within our walls and our home, but rather the environment we have to battle against that our children are a part of when they are not with us. Both my stepson's mother and my daughters’ father are what we would classify as "underfunctioning parents". We are put to the test each and every day, but our kids are all worth it.

I had shared a little in the post that I had done that the single most important and family changing thing we have done is to have family devotions. We have found that our kids love the time together to talk, listen, learn, pray and be close. We try to do this each night they are with us, and then we close in prayer together.

We have found it so important that we have each child pray for each other and for us as parents, and then we as parents pray for each of the children. That has strengthened our relationship with our children and step-children, and has strengthened their relationship with each other as well.

Outside of that, we stress involvement in our church as a family and have always tried to find ministries and opportunities for us to serve others or our church as a family. And then the probably most important thing is that we just daily try to seize every opportunity and every situation as a teachable moment to mold and shape our kids to be great Christian young men and women so that Christ is glorified in and through them.

Kelly hit on some very specific actions that she and her husband do that has helped bring their family together and helps the children learn what a relationship with God through Jesus Christ is all about. Did you pick up on them?

• A regularly held family devotion.
• Praying for, with and over each other, including teaching their children to pray.
• Not just church attendance, but involvement in the church.
• Serving together as a family.
• Purposefully taking advantage of (Kelly used the word ‘seize’) opportunities to teach their children about God.

The Marshes are an inspiring example of a Christ-centered family, where God is a really big deal in their home. Does what they do eliminate the problems and challenges they face individually, as a married couple or as a family? Absolutely not, but they are overcoming those problems and challenges because of their focus.

They are also being blessed for their effort. The last thing Kelly said in her message was, “God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!” Could anyone say such a thing if they weren’t being blessed?

Kelly, thanks so much for sharing what you and your family have done in your situation. I bet there are others who have advice or inspirational tidbits they could share that would help others in a blended family. Please share them by leaving a comment so others can be blessed.

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I know there are all kinds of “blendings” out there. Please don’t think I’m ignoring your situation in favor of focusing on another. I believe the unique challenges in witnessing the gospel to stepchildren can be universally applied.

There are situations out there where, although a marriage ended in divorce, the subsequent interactions between ex-spouses are amicable and even cooperative. However, there are often just as many situations where the relationships are rocky at best. My focus here is where the ex-spouse specifically opposes the spiritual training of the shared children involved.

An online friend contacted me not too long ago about their situation. Her husband’s ex-wife was a devout Roman Catholic who adamantly opposed anything she deemed contrary to the Catholic tradition. Casual conversations (that normally took place even when the stepchild wasn’t present) about the Bible, God and religion in general would often make their way back to the ex-wife, setting up conflict between the two homes.

And of course the child is always caught in the middle when that happens. In this case, I fear that what gets highlighted is the negative aspects of ‘religion’ and what gets lost is the supremacy of following Jesus.

In this case my recommendations would be as follows:

Model Christ’s love to each other. Exemplify sacrificing for each other’s benefit and putting each other first. Demonstrate respect and honor, forgiveness and repentance, and grace and mercy. Display cheerful generosity as you serve each other and those around you. As you face challenges in life, in your marriage or through other situations, living the way Jesus would have you live will create a home where the difference is Christ, and the difference will be tangible.

Demonstrate the relationship, not the religion. Our faith is based on a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ. Emphasize the presence of Jesus in your life in a personal way. Let your child see you reading your Bible. Be a prayerful person. Although it may not directly involve the child, openly discuss spiritual growth, revelation or troubling convictions with your spouse or a friend on the telephone.

A friend recently shared with me that one of the most impactful memories he has is of “catching” his grandmother on her knees in prayer one day. Sometimes more is caught than taught, especially when teaching creates an obstacle to fully receiving what’s important because of circumstances beyond your immediate control.

In the same vein, as you go about your normal spiritual training of other children in the home, some of what is being taught will rub off on the child who deals with a dual household. I’m not advocating excluding anyone. I just know from experience that when one of my other children was in earshot of when I was teaching a sibling, the lesson often was not lost on the one listening in.

Connect as a family. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to regularly come together to play and to talk. Doing so opens up channels of communication, and when combined with the above two points allows a child torn between two homes to potentially share heart issues. Take your dinners together, get out a board game, go for a family walk, shoot some hoops or have a picnic, but regularly come together to share, laugh and enjoy each other’s company.

In our case, my husband’s ex-wife didn’t oppose us in our spiritual training of our children. The relationship wasn’t always cooperative, but she recognized the value of ‘religion’ in the lives of her sons. Our challenge was in having our teaching undone through the marginal parenting of a very worldly (and very lost) other parent. I’ll address this issue on Monday when I introduce you to a family that is doing an amazing job in overcoming that obstacle.

Let others know about this series. Please email a link, post about it on your blog site, or let your friends know through Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc. There are a lot of blended families out there who need this information and encouragement.

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I know there are all kinds of “blendings” out there. Please don’t think I’m ignoring your situation in favor of focusing on another. I believe the unique challenges in witnessing the gospel to stepchildren can be universally applied.

I think stepfathers must have the tougher job of step parenting, if they’re to follow biblical guidelines for raising their children. Expected to be in authority, the hand is often played against them from the start. If too much authority is assumed from the beginning there is often an immediate backlash of rebellion from the child. If too little, a scenario is set up for disrespect (my observations have been primarily of stepfathers with their daughters).

However, the father is to lead his family in all things spiritual. How does a step dad find the proper middle ground in order to be a vessel for God’s message of salvation for his family? I asked my husband this question, and he lent me some of his insight.

Lead with a vision. Determine that your role as a stepfather is as a missionary to your children with all the incumbent goals that come with that. Any missionary who goes off to the field does so with a plan and an end goal in mind. The process is what counts, but first a vision must be in place to guide the process.

Lead with a servant’s heart. This doesn’t mean allowing the child to rule the roost, but rather that you see yourself as a humble conduit for the Lord. Everything you do will be for the benefit of your family.

Lead as a facilitator. Come alongside your stepchild as a guiding force rather than calling out encouragement or instructions from the sidelines. Make things happen more as a supporter than as a manager.

Lead by example. Let your stepchild catch you reading your Bible, praying, talking about how God has revealed Himself to you lately. Let your stepchild know you are praying for him or her. Ask to pray with him. Honor your wife with respect, repent when you are wrong, forgive when you’ve been wronged.

Lead with patience. In all honesty, all the above points would apply to any father, but none more than this one would apply to the stepfather. Time will be needed to make the transition into a role of authority. Time will be needed to connect in relationship with your stepchild. Time will be needed to let situations play out and trust and confidence to develop.

Stepparenting, above all else, is a process. Peaks and valleys may be exaggerated until finally arriving at the plateau, but if biblical principles are at the core of the process and if it is Christ at the center of the home, the relationship between you and your stepchild will be blessed.

Thursday, coping with a hostile or opposing ex-spouse. Let others know about this series. Please email a link, post about it on your blog site, or let your friends know through Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc. There are a lot of blended families out there who need this information and encouragement.

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I know there are all kinds of “blendings” out there. Please don’t think I’m ignoring your situation in favor of focusing on another. I believe the unique challenges in witnessing the gospel to stepchildren can be universally applied.

There were several times during the course of raising my stepsons from ages four and five that I wanted to somehow, anyhow, reach their mother with the benefit of my insight and wisdom. I didn’t presume we could be best buddies or anything, but I saw a need for sharing what I thought would be best as we jointly raised ‘our boys’.

Early on, though, I discovered that she wanted little of my input into anything. I resorted to biting my lip and letting my husband handle conversations with her. But it was hard. Her values were contradictory to ours as was her approach to just about everything in life. The dichotomy between our households made an obvious impact on our sons’ behavior and what they took away from each set of parents.

So, how did I see my role as it related to parenting my sons?

• I submitted to my husband’s authority and let him handle all the interactions with his ex-wife. He always asked for my opinion on things (and I had to make sure my opinion was based on biblical structure), but I let him know that whatever he decided on as a course of action I would back him up all the way.
• I made sure our sons knew that their dad and I acted as one person. While they could come to me and ask for help in approaching their dad, in the end I would always back what he decided was best. And I reminded them that his decisions were always for their best interest.
• I never insisted on them calling me ‘mom’, but I did insist on being treated with respect - and their dad backed me up on that. Both boys were used to treating their mom and other female authority figures with a lot of disobedience and back talk because it was never corrected in that household. I was probably the first female who insisted, and disciplined for, an honoring relationship.
• I never talked badly about their mom, even if what she was allowing in her household infuriated me. I never wanted to set up a tug-of-war for their emotions or loyalty. I knew that, in the end, truth should trump the freedom to act selfishly (and it did).
• I let the boys know that I prayed for their mom. I prayed for her salvation, that Christ would become a part of their household and that He would bless them with their needs.
• I let the boys know I prayed for them. I prayed for their salvation and for their safety. I also prayed that God would make me the mother He wanted me to be.
• Although I could not share the blood link with them, nor the memory of carrying them for nine months and laboring through their delivery into the world, I responded as their mother and not just as their father’s wife. I invested my heart into their upbringing, making sure that they knew I was all in. In fact, I never referred to them as my stepsons. They were always ‘my sons’ or ‘my boys’.

What I wished I had done differently? I wished I had prayed with and over them from an earlier start. I had to learn to pray out loud before I could do that. I like to think that would have made for smoother transitions, but I don’t know. I also wished I had taken a stronger hand in reading to them from the Bible earlier on, but again, I was pretty inexperienced in this mothering role.

Fortunately my husband’s schedule at the time allowed him to lead in this area. When he began traveling over the road and was gone for the week, I picked up where he left off, but I still think it would have been better had I taken the initiative to read to them from time to time.

Being a stepparent presented me with a lot of challenges. It also blessed me with the most growth and allowed me to provide a blessing in return. I recognized through my sons, before my biological daughter and son came along, that they did not belong to me but to the Lord. They helped me see them through the eyes of a parent missionary.

Tomorrow, the role of the stepfather. Let others know about this series. Please email a link, post about it on your blog site, or let your friends know through Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc. There are a lot of blended families out there who need this information and encouragement.

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I know there are all kinds of “blendings” out there. Please don’t think I’m ignoring your situation in favor of focusing on another. I believe the unique challenges in witnessing the gospel to stepchildren can be universally applied.

Back when I worked as an ER nurse I had triage desk duty one shift. I called in a young boy, maybe six years old, who was accompanied by his mom and step dad. He had received a nasty gash on his hand and it would require stitches.

I recognized right away the fear in his face and began the process slowly by interviewing the parents about what happened and talking quietly in a noncommittal way with the child. Eventually, though, I needed to look at the laceration.

The little guy withdrew his hand, vehemently shaking his head as his eyes welled up and his lower lip quivered. He was sitting in his mom’s lap, but his step dad got down on one knee in front of him and gently said, “Let the nice nurse look at your cut. You don’t want me to make you do it, do you? You don’t want me to be your parent, do you? We’re buddies, remember? Don’t make me be your parent. Show the nice lady your hand.”

Those of us who are stepparents find ourselves walking a fine line. We don’t want to step on any toes. We oftentimes struggle between being a parent without the full authority of blood and a buddy who doesn’t require obligations to the relationship.

But as that young boy protectively held his hand away, a look of confusion swept his face in response to the stepfather’s request. At that moment he didn’t need to feel the weight of his fear all by himself nor did he need to be given the responsibility of deciding his level of interaction in his care.

He needed his step dad to swoop him up in his strong arms and say, “Hang on, son. I’ll stay here with you. Let’s do this together.”

First and foremost, regardless of how we got to the position, we are a parent. When we married our spouse we accepted the mantle of parenthood by virtue of default, at the least, and by God’s ordaining, at the most.

That doesn’t mean we can’t develop a friendship with our stepchild. Any parent, step or otherwise, should work towards making the kinds of connections that encourage enjoying each other’s company and where your child feels free to share his or her thoughts and feelings.

Our primary role, however, is as a parent to our stepchild. Incumbent with that role is all the leading, guiding, loving, sacrificing, and yes, teaching that comes with it. We have just as much responsibility to prepare this child for his future, including his eternal one, as any parent.

Let others know about this series. Please email a link, post about it on your blog site, or let your friends know through Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc. There are a lot of blended families out there who need this information and encouragement.

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I know there are all kinds of “blendings” out there. Some are from a parent remarrying after the death of a spouse, others have a child out of wedlock and then marry later, while the majority come from the fallout of divorce. Please don’t think I’m ignoring your situation in favor of focusing on another. I believe the unique challenges in witnessing the gospel to stepchildren can be universally applied.

Blended families have all kinds of dynamics going on, depending on what each partner brings to the marriage. Who brings children to the new family, what the relationship is to the ex-spouse, where everyone is in their maturity in Christ, what their prior “church” experience is, etc. all influence the relational functioning in the family.

Bill, my husband, had two sons from a previous marriage. He came to his saving relationship with Christ during that marriage, and because that union was already dysfunctional, my husband’s Christianity actually acted as a wedge that further stretched the gap between he and his then-wife.

No amount of praying, asking for Christian marital counseling or trying to read the Bible together worked. Divorce papers were served on him and, in time, Bill signed them.

To say it was contentious would be putting it mildly. His house was cleaned out of everything, not once but twice. Bank accounts were emptied, credit cards were run up. The coup de gras was when the boys were withheld from him seeing them.

Throughout it all, in spite of advice from lawyers, family and friends to the contrary, Bill took a non-aggressive stance. He was a new Christian, but He remained steadfast in the Bible, praying for the salvation of his ex, letting her take advantage of him financially, and constantly praying for the biblical upbringing of his two sons.

God answers prayer in unexpected ways sometimes. Bill’s ex got into some trouble with the law and it was necessary for the boys to be placed full time with him. It was obvious to all who were familiar with his situation that God’s hand was in this.

It was during this time that Bill and I were engaged. I had never been married before, but we both decided that his four- and five-year old sons needed a united family, so we quickly (picture heads spinning here) moved our wedding date up. Like, that weekend.

I became an instant mom. No nine months of prep time, just, “Dear, we’re having four for dinner tonight.”

We launched headlong into the family culture. We took all our meals together, we attended church every Sunday, we played games and watched movies and threw a ball around in the backyard together. And everyday Bill would read from the Bible to his family.

Eventually Bill’s ex worked out her legal troubles. He wanted to help her reestablish her motherly bonds with her sons, thinking that was the right things to do, but mostly thinking that he could influence the relationship for God.

However, when one parent is low functioning the balance in the overall family dynamics is grossly out of whack. While the boys received godly instruction and a family-centered home during the week, on the weekends there was a totally me-centered atmosphere: no discipline, no academic support, no church. It seemed for every step forward we made with the boys during the week, they would come back home one or two steps backward.

Thus played out a constant source of tension and frustration. When the younger two came along, the dynamics shifted even more. The dichotomy between the two homes became even more apparent.

Inevitably, we (and I use ‘we’ loosely. I mean Bill) received the phone calls that this son had gotten into this trouble or that son had done this and Bill needed to straighten it out. Discussing, explaining, pleading and demanding that God be brought into the home always fell on deaf ears.

The ‘boys’ are now men. Steven is 24, Michael will be turning 23 in just a few days. How they ‘turned out’ will be the discussion of an article further down the series. Rachel, 16, and James, 14, are still at home.

Were there things we could have and should have done differently in how we handled everything? Undoubtedly, yes. Hindsight is always 20/20. Some of that will be discussed, too.

Christian blended families are today’s reality. There are lots of us out there, for better or worse. We’re called to the Great Commission just as other people are, but being missionaries in our own homes takes on nuances that most other families don’t have to contend with.

On Thursday, I’ll answer the question: As a step-parent, am I my stepchild’s parent or his friend?

Let others know about this series. Please email a link, post about it on your blog site, or let your friends know through Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc. There are a lot of blended families out there who need this information and encouragement.

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One day, while Jesus was traveling through Judea, some Pharisees seized an opportunity to try and trap him.

“Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

Any person with an inkling of common and moral sense, whether they were religious or not, could answer that question. The Pharisees, however, were trying to get Jesus to refute Moses’ command that a man could give his wife a certificate of divorce, thus setting him up for criticism and denunciation, knocking his cause flat on its back.

Jesus’ answer left them with no room for wiggling out of it. “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.”

According to Barna research, 33% of all born again Christians divorce, ninety percent of them after they convert to Christianity. The 1996 Census Bureau reported that the number of children living with both parents declined from 85% to 68% between 1970 and 1996.

The reality is, there are a lot of blended Christian families living in the US, my family among them.

Some blended families are the result of the death of one spouse, but the majority of them are due to the fallout of divorce. Either way, there are unique challenges that come with making a blended family work, including in the area of witnessing the gospel and discipling our children in God’s truths. There are different dynamics, different obstacles and a much stronger component of time involved.

Beginning with today’s article, I’ll be writing a nine-part series entitled The Unique Challenges of Blended Families. There will be three articles each week for the next three weeks, and I encourage you to invite your friends and family to TGMT to learn, ask questions and participate in the discussion.

We’ll look at what the roles of being a step-parent are (and they’re different for men and women), how to cope with a hostile or opposing ex-spouse, the power of being a modeling step-parent, understanding the dynamic of time, and looking for the guarantee that what you’re doing is going to work.

Tomorrow, though, I’ll talk about our family. Hopefully my history will be your gain.

Let others know about this series. Please email a link, post about it on your blog site, or let your friends know through Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc. There are a lot of blended families out there who need this information and encouragement.

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